Tired.

These are my raw feelings, I didn't sugar coat a single thing. Total honesty for you to read. You've been warned.

I am tired.

I am tired of the looks. 

I am tired of the comments (for example: "it's a shame she gained all that weight") made behind my back that I know are said because I've heard them said about others.

I am tired of not feeling comfortable in anything I wear. 

I am tired of not keeping up. 

I am tired of thin girls complaining about their bodies right in front of me. 

I am tired of the fact that I am 18 and I've never been kissed, let alone asked out in any way. 

I am tired of looking back at photos when I was 70 pounds lighter, knowing I still had body image issues even back then.

 

I am tired of the constant rollarcoaster of dieting.

I am tired of people being able to see what I struggle with most the instant they meet me.

I am tired of trying and failing over and over again.

I am tired of people telling me it's as simple as 1 2 3. They are not me, and do not know my struggle. 

I am tired of being embarresed by my own body.

I am tired of the "if only"s.

I am tired of asking God for help in this sitsuation and getting silence in return.

I am tired of being fat.

Another letter to myself: imperfect

Life isn't perfect. I'm not perfect. And that's okay. No breathing human being is perfect. I don't think there is such a thing as real perfection other than Jesus Himself. But isn't that what we all are striving for? A perfect life, a perfect self? Why is there that need/want for perfection? Now there's a difference between striving for perfection or doing your total best and putting your best foot forward. The prior is not realistic but the latter is. 

When striving for perfection, you will always be disappointed, because some things in life, you can't control. Actually most things in life you can't. Do your best in the things you can, but don't be bound by perfection. 

Now, if everything was perfect and there were no hiccups in life, or in us, why would we need God? God doesn't just simply give us perfect lives, because what would be the point? We would take Him for granted, we wouldn't have to work for anything, and we wouldn't have to lean on Him in hard times, because we wouldn't have them. How could we be thankful for good without the bad?

I believe we get this weird idea in our head that God is punishing us when life gets tough. But I don't think he is. I believe those times are opportunities to get closer to Him. That is if we choose to lean on Him and trust in Him. Rough times and situations give us stories, they give us perspective, and they give us lessons. They can help us relate to others and understand each other. Even though you may feel you are alone and the only one who has gone through a certain situation or struggle, you aren't. Never believe that lie. Most likely, there are hundreds if not thousands of people who have went through something at least similar. That doesn't make yours any less important. It shows that you aren't alone and that somewhere out there, people understand. 

That can be the hardest, thinking that no matter how much you explain your situation to someone, they won't understand. And they probably won't truly unless they went through the same thing. But you know who understands every situation or struggle you or even your neighbor have gone through? It might sound obvious but, Jesus. He's with you at all times. He sees and hears everything that happens to you or that's going through your head. He knows your perspective and understands it.

 I often forget that.

I will never have the perfect words, the perfect life, the perfect body, or be the perfect Christian. All I can do is be my best and ask God to help me with that. It's simple, but not easy.

I've decided to stop chasing perfection and simply chase after what God wants for my life. Even if I may not know what that is yet. 

-Cat

A letter to myself, aka the people pleaser.

Being a people pleaser, you are in constant fear of what others think. You want them to be happy and like you, because you like basically everyone yourself. When in reality, God's opinion is the only one that matters.

A letter to myself (and any other people pleasers out there) :

Wear those grandma sandals if you like them, I doubt someone will unfriend you because of your style; you may even make a new one.

Don't be embarrassed to ask someone to repeat what they just said, it's worse to not know what they're talking about and pretend then to admit you didn't catch what they said in their 50 word non-stop sentences. This is especially important when taking a complicated five drink coffee order. People don't like getting a traditional Macchiato in place of a Caramel Macchiato and vise versa. 

Say your opinion once in a while, you don't have to agree with EVERYTHING just to keep the peace. Some people even get annoyed with people who don't have a voice in serious matters. 

 Now don't go being hateful either, there's a balance of some sort, you can be kind and still have an opinion.

You don't have to say yes to everything, you'll wear yourself out. Take a day out of the month and have a lazy/pamper day, you won't regret it.

People will notice you forgive easily, be careful not to let them walk all over you. But still, forgiving is good.

You get over things weirdly fast, so remember that the other person may need more time to think things through. They don't hate you. (This is a hard one)

You have a weird sense of humor that not many people get, and that's fine. Say all the corny jokes you want, because if you laugh, other people will laugh too, eventually. And say rad and mint all you want. 

You don't always have to be positive, it's okay to cry in front of your friends once in a while.

There's a reason you are the way you are, God created you, the peaceful non-drama friend, who goes with the flow but can take lead if need and the one people can rely on to be there for, even when they mess up. Which they will, and that's okay, because you will too.

Be you, but be the you who isn't afraid, who loves everyone but knows when to say no, who can wear whatever she wants without feeling self-conscious, who laughs at her own jokes and be the you who loves Jesus, loves others, and loves the person God made you to be. 

And always remember, Jesus loves you. 

-Cat